Hello friend,

Thank you for being here.  Thank you for taking interest in what I have to say and want to share with this world.  Today I had a bit of an epiphany that I’ve been afraid to share the inner parts of my life with people, especially those closer to me.  Part of it has to do with needing to write out an novel to try to communicate the full story.  But another part of it is that I’ve been believing some lie that I need to have everything “figured out” or already have come out on the other side with a victory before I can share it.

Obviously it’s easier to write about things once you have already seen a victory.  Once there’s already a happy, motivating, inspiring ending.  But today I feel led to write about the in-between process of it all; amidst the challenges, doubts, fears and tears of following my faith.

Where I’m at right now is in the ever-so uncomfortable limbo of “waiting on God” and trying to persevere against the weariness of it all.  Being tempted to give into fear and crumble into hopelessness and defeat.  But I’m not giving up yet.

A large part of my struggle to disclose certain areas of my life related to my faith is that I realized I am afraid of being wrong. What if God doesn’t show up? I am afraid of meeting failure and having others see it and looking like a fool. I am afraid that people will think I am crazy and discourage me or reject me.  That no one will understand.

But I am realizing that facing all these things is simply part of the deal; following faith is a battle with fear.  So sitting back and hiding and staying silent isn’t going to be beneficial to anyone.  Not everyone is going to understand, agree or support me.  But that shouldn’t stop me from acting and sharing my life with others, especially those who care about me.

Moving back to San Diego about 8 months ago (after spending almost 10 months travelling last year),  I was convinced that now it was my time to “settle down” with a regular 9-5 job and just work and live a normal lifestyle. In my unconscious attempt to “catch up for lost time” and blurry vision of my long-term future, instead of getting one “real” job, I ended up getting 4 part-time ones.

I started working part-time as an English teacher, restaurant server, photography intern, and also doing some graphic design freelance work.  On top of that, I really wanted to kick-start a ministry at my church.  Basically, I was trying to do everything and be everything all at once.  Needless to say… I was spread extremely thin, not focused on anything, and filled with extreme anxiety.

Then the Rock School of Ministry sort of snuck its way into my life “out of the blue”.  It was not a part of my plan at all, and I never had any intention of doing another 5-month Christian school-type thing ever again.  Me and God were good! But I had a strong sense of belief that that’s where God was leading me, even though I didn’t understand why…..so I followed.

When the school started in late August, I knew it was exactly where I was supposed to be, but I couldn’t keep up with all that I was doing.  First thing I did was let the English teaching job go.  And then my graphic client who had just reached out to me.

Fine, no big deal, I can just pick up more shifts at the restaurant to make extra cash. 

But then….I felt the Holy Spirit prompting me to quit the restaurant job, right when I was finally at a point of accepting working there. I went through about a month-long (probably more) identity crisis of going back to that job because when I left it to go to Mexico in September 2018, I was extremely excited that that chapter of my life was “closed forever”.  So going back was filled with a lot of weird emotions and sadness and confusion.  But…now that I’ve become okay with it, I have to leave it again??

I knew God was calling me into deeper trust in Him, especially as my provider.  Leaving a job with no plan offended my mind, but I know deep down in my soul that if God asks me to do something, there’s a greater plan and vision than I could ever concoct or contrive for myself.

My photo internship ended the same week as my serving job, and I even got offered an actual job to continue working for him.  But despite my own comprehension, I knew God was telling me to not work and focus my attention on Him and the school.

It’s like when I got back to San Diego I walked into an all you can eat buffet and just put as much of everything on my plate as I saw could fit, not realizing that I couldn’t stomach it all.  And then one by one, God helped me to scoop each helping off my plate, leaving me with an empty, clean plate again. Since then, I have only been receiving the portion that HE placed on my plate. They have not been big, but just enough to satisfy.

So, since November – for almost 3 months now – I have not been employed at all, despite the fact that it was a period of time where jobs seemed to be falling out of the sky and into my lap without me even looking for them.  Some even being pushed onto me. It was hard to say no to them all.  It was hard to let go of the ones I had.  It didn’t make sense, and I didn’t have a cushy savings account to rest upon.  All I could rely upon is God’s faithfulness from my past experiences and the faithfulness of God that other Christians and the Bible talk about so consistently.

I did not leave any of these jobs carelessly or impulsively. I was diligently seeking God’s will throughout all my doubts and fears and rationality. I was given a supernatural “peace beyond understanding” amongst circumstances that would normally yield a lot of fear and anxiety. So, that was the tangible evidence of my faith that strengthened me each time I said goodbye or “no” to another job.  Trusting and believing that God’s will is bigger and better than my own understanding.  And that He will provide.

In the Christian world, everyone says and “knows” that God will provide for our needs.  That “He takes care of the birds in the sky and the flowers in the field, and how much more important you are to Him, and therefore He will take care of you”. But there is a very large cognitive dissonance between a Bible verse and a real life experience of walking it out.  That head knowledge vs. heart knowledge.  In trusting that those words inside that ancient book aren’t just words on a page but are actually alive and true.  And that they can be trusted.  That God can be relied upon and that he truly is who He says He is.  It takes risk. And risk is scary. Risk is vulnerable.

Not long after my last job ended and I thought that I had done enough “giving up” and trusting in God…. I started to get an inkling that I should sell my car (God, is that really you????).  I didn’t want to – you can’t survive in San Diego without a car! Which isn’t true, I (just barely…) survived 9 months without a car when I first moved out to San Diego. The day I got a car was magical.  Didn’t matter that it had over 350,000 miles on it.  I had a car that worked and that I had enough money to buy.

Only a few months after I got that car, I was blessed with getting the car of my teenage dreams: a Toyota Rav4.  I don’t know why I always wanted that car as a youth, but I did.  And now I had one fall into my lap for a very low price for the value it added to my life.  It wasn’t something I needed…but it spoke to the dusty desires of my heart that I never thought would actually come to fruition and had forgotten about.  And to be honest it was much more than just an upgraded car to me, it was a gift from God and a symbol of His provision, abundance, goodness and faithfulness to me.  I loved it.  It even came with me to Mexico.

So why would God ask me to give that up!? It was His gift to me!  It was the only thing of tangible value that I had left in my life (ok, minus my phone, laptop and camera…).  I bargained with Him for a while.  I said if it’s really Him asking me to sell my car, then to bring someone who needed a car to me.  I wasn’t just going to sell my beloved 2006 Toyota Rav4 to anyone.

Well… I didn’t have to wait very long for a classmate from my DTS to send a newsletter update about her life serving at the YWAM base in Rosarito….and at the end of the update a prayer request for a car.  This wasn’t a situation I was particularly thrilled that God followed through on his “Ask and you shall receive” promise.

It was like a baby tooth that started to get looser and looser the more I prayed and wrestled with God about it.  When I finally accepted the fact that I was going to lose the tooth…..that’s when I believe God told me to not sell my car, but to GIVE it away.

Wait…what?! Hold up you can’t bait and switch me like that, God!! I was going to pay off my credit card bill with the car money! What do you mean GIVE!?

But that’s the thing.  It’s not something I did under obligation or guilt or duress in any way…God has a weird way of changing your heart and desires even when it makes no sense.  I came to accept the idea of no longer having a car, and realized that I’ve been presented with someone I know and care about in need of one who is not able to pay for it. She was acting in her faith in God to provide a for her needs, even when it seemed maybe crazy or impossible or really far-off.

It’s actually amazing when you tangibly get to see God working on two people’s faiths on different ends.  One person is in need of something, and another person has something.  Both require faith: asking for something valuable you don’t have, and then giving up something valuable you do have.  This situation was a beautiful illustration of God’s realness and his mysterious ways of working amongst his body of believers. My reluctance to give up my precious car was transformed into joyfully giving Kelsey my car, knowing that it’s going to someone in genuine need and going to be put to good use to advance God’s Kingdom.  And trusting that if He’s providing for her, then He is going to provide for me, too.

It feels taboo to openly write about all this because it directly contradicts the ways of this world.  Trusting in a “peace beyond understanding”, Bible verses, undeniable “coincidences”, and in the faithfulness of a sometimes ambiguous and mysterious God.  Not trusting in numbers.  Not trusting in my circumstances.  Not trusting in standard human logic and understanding. But God’s ways are not our ways.

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding” (Proverbs 3:5).

I read this verse morning in my one-year study Bible.  I’m actually a day behind, so that makes it even a little cooler. I’ve heard this verse countless of times before, but today it really came alive for me, because I know that that’s where I am at.  God wants me to trust in HIM, and not to use my own understanding as a basis for where I am at/going.  I didn’t really realize it until today, but that’s what I have been navigating through for these past few months with all this “giving up” of things in my life.

As I typed out this verse on this Word document, one word in that sentence stood out to me, which I have never paid attention to before because it’s a small one, easy to miss: ALL.  Trust in the Lord with ALL your heart.  Woah.

So…in order to trust God with ALL your heart, there must be a process of letting go of ANYTHING else that your heart is putting its trust in that isn’t God.

With a little bit of hindsight and processing as I am writing (and a lot of crying/praying/waiting/ seeking in the last few months), I am starting to see that this is the journey God has me on.  Letting go of the things my heart has been trusting in that aren’t God: Job security; money; a clear career path; a 10-year life plan; a gift; my comfort; convenience. Independence. That’s the big one.

I’ve been stripped away of my independence and in that, I have been seeing the faithfulness of God come through in the people around me.   I’ve had someone I know pass me in her car at the bus stop and pick me up on her way.  I’ve had money sent to me out of the blue from a YWAM classmate I don’t regularly talk to that covered almost the entirety of my rent. I’ve had people pass my name around for small jobs here and there and it’s gotten me through each month. I’ve had my roommate offer her car to me when I need to go somewhere that the bus doesn’t go to. I’ve had countless meals paid for by others. I’ve had gifts and support from my family that I am extremely grateful for.

It’s not easy not being self-sufficient in this culture that we Americans live in that glorifies independence.  Where asking and even receiving help from others is seen as a shameful thing.  It’s definitely humbling, and also sort of crazy to think that a year ago I could never have emotionally been able to get through this.  But here I am today, still okay.

God has always come through for and made a way for me, and I know this time is no different.  It’s just that this time I have been waiting longer, and I’ve put more at stake on the table; despite fighting it, I have had no choice but to forfeit my own understanding amongst it all.  All I know is that God is challenging me more deeply and intensely than ever to trust in Him with all my heart.

All of this is also reminding me that all God really wants is my heart.  He doesn’t want to take things away from me, and He doesn’t want me to have a life of poverty or struggle. He doesn’t want my job or my money or my car.  He wants my heart. So I have been in this process of being stripped away from things physically but it’s a process of letting go of things in my heart so I can let more of God in.

I’ve managed to hold out a pretty solid faith for the entirety of these 3 months, but this week has been the most stretching.  I’ve been waiting on God for longer than I’d like to, and I feel like I need to be doing more.  That I’m not trying hard enough, that I’m not praying enough, that I’m not applying for enough jobs, that I’m not working enough. But I have received dreams, verses, and multiple confirmations from others simply reiterating to “wait patiently on the Lord.”  Ugh!

How am I supposed to wait patiently when my rent is due in 5 days and I don’t even have enough in my bank account to pay the full amount!

Lean not on your own understanding.

Why am I being prompted by the Holy Spirit to buy a bike when I don’t even have enough money for rent?!

Trust God with all your heart.

I saw a $0 in my checking account for the first time ever in my life after I took that leap of faith to buy a bike that I believed God was telling me to buy as an act of trust.  I did it….but that’s when the tears really started rolling out.

I’m sort of corned into faith.  It’s my only option to get through the walls closing in around me.

Writing this out is actually helping me to persevere, despite crying out in fear and frustration to God this morning, yesterday, and the day before.  It’s helping me to remember God’s faithfulness to me in the past, and reassurance that I can trust Him to show up for me again, like he has over and over again throughout the entirety of the Bible.  To trust that he is not withholding anything from me, and wants only good things for me (Psalms 84:11).  That He has good plans for me, plans to prosper me and not to harm me, and to give me hope and a future (Jeremiah 29:11).

Thank you to my friend and beloved Nepal outreach leader Kenzie for stepping out in her vulnerability in sharing her faith journey on her blog, which helped me to not feel alone in what I am experiencing, and sparked me to write mine out today.  Her entire blog post spoke to me very much, and especially this part right here:

So much shame has been weighted on my shoulders in living this way [being led somewhere in faith but not having the financial ability to support yourself]. I love to work, and see value in using my hands to make my wages. I also think God loves it when we work, and when we do things to make money. But what I’m learning now more than ever before, is that sometimes God wants us to stop working that way. What He wants even more than our hard-work or integrity — is our belief. 

It’s crazy for me to think that what all this really could be is God just wanting me to believe in Him. He doesn’t want my works.  He’s not asking me to start a non-profit or spend all my time serving in a church.  He just wants me to believe He is who He says He is.

Here it is God.  I’m making it public even though I can’t see anything on the other side. I can’t see any tangible, rational, logical, practical human way to get through the financial situation I am in right now. Not only where I am now, but where I believe you are calling me to go.  It makes no sense to the human mind.  But I am trusting in who you say you are.  I’m trusting in your faithfulness.  I am trusting in your timing.  I am trusting in your will, over my own.

____________________________________________________________________________________________

As I was unlocking my bike to head home after writing this at a coffee shop downtown, I noticed the bar across the street was playing music pretty loudly.  They were playing my favorite song from 4^th grade: In The End by Linkin Park.  What caught my ear as I was bent over trying to figure out the metal bike lock around my tire were the lyrics:

 “I put my trust in you, I’ve pushed as far as I can go….”

God’s perfect timing.  Can’t plan it.

PS: I just re-read my old blog post from the Caravan in Tijuana last year and I have some global poverty statistics listed in there.  It’s humbling to realize that even though my situation feels scary and I feel like I “have nothing”, I am still richer than 75% of the people in this world.  My empathy is definitely increasing for the poor and homeless throughout all of this.  Hmm…