Confusion.

Confusion. A state of paralysis of the mind.  No, not the mind, but of making decisions because of the mind’s state.

I wonder what state my mind would be if it were a state in America…

Probably California, which is why I live here, hey!

Do people gravitate to a place because of a perceived, collective state of mind?

I wonder what the word state even means.

State has so many different meanings why did we choose the name state to describe chunks of the same country?

I’d be cool if they were just called chunks.

Which chunk do you live in? Oh, I’m from the chunk of California.

Haha.  I make myself laugh with my weird thoughts.  No one else thinks they’re funny though, but I can entertain myself.

Maybe people do think they’re funny, but I don’t think they’ll think it’s funny so I just keep them to myself.

I don’t want to keep going down this route, where am I going?

Oh yeah, confusion.

Wait…what does confusion even mean?

Did it come from the name Confucius?

Wait…what did Confucius even do? Was he just confused all the time and decided to make a philosophy of life out of it to make himself feel more normal?

Do we want people to follow us just to make us feel better about ourselves?

Hold on, I want to google Confucius.

Lol.

“The name “Confucius” is a Latinized form of the Mandarin Chinese “Kǒng Fūzǐ” (孔夫子, meaning “Master Kǒng”).

Lol.

I was very wrong.  If I didn’t look that up I probably would’ve keep going to eventually create my own philosophy on the name of Confucius.

Isn’t that life though?  We all just want to be right.  And we want others to agree with us.  Because then we don’t have to change, we just tell others that they have to change.

There are so many different philosophies on life.  I suppose we all have our own, to one extent or another.  That’s kind of scary.  I can’t even remember what I ate for dinner last night – okay wait yes I do it was a burger – but ya know?? Okay no you don’t know because I am talking to a blank white screen right now.

WOAH writing is like playing racquetball….bouncing my own thoughts off of a white wall, which then creates a new thought to be bounced back to that white wall.

There’s something so symbolic about a white wall in so many ways, yet it’s also so basic and simple that I would argue we hardly ever think about white walls.

I don’t really think about walls very much…but if you’re an architect or an interior designer you might think about walls a lot.  Or a therapist.  Or Donald Trump.  Now that I’m thinking about it….walls are probably talked about a lot more than I realized.

Walls intentionally separate one thing from another.  Key word: intentional.  Oh no…I might be preaching to myself right now.  Contemplating changing the subject to remain surface level on this.

But ironically changing the subject as a form of avoidance is a wall I have built up emotionally.

Ooh wow are those 19 unread emails? Wait nope that’s 10.  Tempted to check them so I don’t have to be distracted by the little red circle with a number inside of it.

Distraction.  Another wall.  Maybe intentional, but often just impulsive.

Do I have any cookies? Ahh I want sugar.

Let me re-read what I’ve read so far.

Procrastination.  Another wall.

Maybe wall isn’t the right word, but I’m just going to keep using it for artistic imagery.  That’s 3 walls, there has to be a 4^th one somewhere in order to keep me trapped in this box of confusion.

Or is confusion the 4^th wall?  I think confusion is another wall.  And the box I’m in is immobility/ indecision.

Avoidance.

Distraction.

Procrastination.

Confusion.

I’m not allowing myself to get up until I have sat and typed on this computer for 1 whole hour.  All I want right now is to get up and find cookies.

I wish I could turn those words into a box shape on here, but I’m not going to because then I will get distracted by trying to arrange them in a square-like fashion until my hour is up.

Well…I supposed the good thing to know is that now I know more clearly that I am totally boxing myself in with walls, and walls that have names.

It’s pretty crazy what naming something can do.  You give it an identity.  It can no longer hide in the darkness or fly under the radar.  It means I see you! And I know you! And you are something! Whether good or bad you are a thing!

I have a name; birds have a name for each species; different type of furniture have names.  And God has a name too.  Makes sense that having a name gives him a

Self-doubt.

Oh man, found another one.  I wrote and re-wrote that last chunk a few times but don’t know how to articulate my thought well, and I am afraid of explaining God wrong.

Fear of failure.

Lack of perseverance.

Man now those are 7 things, now my box theory can’t work!!! What!

Unrealistic idealization.  I wonder if that’s even a name.  It is now!

It’d be cool to take a nap right now.

TWO MINUTES UNTIL COOKIES!

Started with confusion now we’re here.  Back to confusion! Woohoo I did it!! Circled it back!

Welcome to my brain.

Good thing is that I know Jesus will help me break out of this stronghold of confusion.  But for now…I gotta just process it as I go.

I’ll eat an apple instead 😀